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What is the origin of love? The Greek philosopher Plato answers this question in his Symposium. Plato has Aristophanes tell the following tale: In the beginning, there were three sexes: man, woman, and an androgynous man/woman. Each of the sexes was round, like a sphere, with a face and two arms and legs on either side. They would walk forward or backward, or tumble and roll on the ground. These three played and frolicked in the fields. But then they foolishly challenged the power of Zeus. For that, he punished them by splitting them in half so there were two of each. He also separated them so that they could never find their other half. What had been the double man (now two men), said Aristophanes, is the origin of gay male relationships; what had been the double woman (now two women) is the origin of lesbian relationships; what had been the man/woman, now split into a man and a woman, is the origin of heterosexual relationships. Plato said this of the man: “They who are a section of the male follow the male, and while they are young, being slices of the original man, they hang about men and embrace them, and they are themselves the best of boys and youth, because they have the most manly nature.” Aristophanes described the suffering of the three sexes after they were each split into two and separated. They felt as if their souls had been torn apart. Consequently, each spent all of its time searching for its other half, hoping to reunite. Each of the male halves was looking for his soul mate, and until he found it, he spent his days in sadness. Aristophanes said, “The pursuit of the other half of one’s self is called love.” Today, we have the freedom to search for our soul mates, and with luck, we may find our “other half.” Love between two men gives them the strength to ignore the scorn of a heterosexual world and immunizes them against a homophobic society.

Gay love is a source of pride, courage, companionship, and security. Loving couples share more than their bodies; they share their souls. There was a time when psychologists and psychiatrists claimed that gay men were incapable of real love, that their relationships were fated to break up because of emotional immaturity. There are probably still some professionals who maintain this biased belief despite all evidence to the contrary. Long-lasting gay relationships are common in our society, especially since World War II. It’s not unusual to meet whitehaired men whose relationship has lasted fifty years or more. It’s always interesting to hear how they explain the success and longevity of their relationships. One such man said, “You each have to forgive and forget a lot.” Another, more practical than the first, said, “I keep his stomach full and his balls empty.” Some gay lovers would like their unions legally recognized. Though some steps have been taken in that direction, legal marriage is not yet possible. Some states and municipalities now provide benefits for the spouses of their gay employees, as do a few private corporations. Perhaps the most significant advance in legitimating gay love relationships has taken place in the area of adoption. Thousands of gay men have quietly adopted children, and in many cities support groups for both fathers and children help sort out potential problems. Many problems in relationships are due to differences in personality type between the lovers. One, let’s say, spends his energies on his home, furnishing and decorating it with panache. Out of a strong sense of attachment to his lover, he’s building a nest, and he believes that love should last a lifetime. To him, intimacy with his lover is the highest achievement, and sex between them represents love. He agrees completely with the Greek lesbian poet Sappho, who wrote about herself and her lover, “We came together like two drops of water.”

A man with a different personality style, one who values autonomy and independence, is likely to be alarmed by the sentiment expressed in Sappho’s quotation. The idea of losing his individuality or merging his personality with another man’s is repugnant to him. While he enjoys a comfortable home, his life is not focused on domesticity. He likes excitement and novelty; he draws a distinction between lust and love. The first personality described is characterized by what psychologists call attachment; the second, by what they call autonomy. The difference between these two styles is at the root of many conflicts between lovers. It’s not that one is good or the other bad; it’s the mismatch that causes problems. Two men who share the trait called attachment can make a happy couple, since their approaches to the relationship are similar. The same is true for two men who value autonomy in a relationship. Conflicts multiply when an attachment-motivated man sets up a relationship with someone autonomy-motivated. Neither kind of man loves more than the other; they feel and express their love differently.

No wonder sexual fidelity is the number one problem in gay relationships. Every couple faces the question of whether to maintain an exclusive sexual relationship. Some lovers live together but have frequent sexual encounters outside the relationship. Sometimes these encounters are one-night stands; sometimes they involve steady partners. Many gay lovers who have been together for years seldom have sex with the other, yet remain deeply committed emotionally, as in heterosexual marriages in the more sophisticated parts of Europe. These unions are known as mariages blancs, literally “white marriages.” The problem of sex outside the relationship also faces gay couples who are still having sex with each other. One partner, for instance, may be content to be faithful; his need for security may outweigh his desire for novelty. The other partner, however, may feel a strong urge for sexual adventure. In every case, a solution to the conflict can be found if partners are willing to talk openly and honestly. Dishonesty is the chief enemy of good and enduring relationships.

Partners who lie to each other are headed for disaster. Lying destroys trust, and if two men do not trust each other, the relationship is doomed. Sex outside the relationship is particularly dangerous these days because of HIV disease. Each man has the responsibility to keep AIDS and other STDs out of the relationship. Not surprisingly, many couples, regardless of their personality style, have agreed not to have outside sex because of their fear of disease. Other couples have outside affairs but insist that each man follow safe sex guidelines. Some couples use threesomes as a means of not cheating and ensuring that safe sex is practiced by all. Another prerequisite for an ongoing, fruitful relationship is the realization that the relationship will change over time. When we find happiness with someone, we may feel that we have stumbled upon a timeless magic formula that must be preserved. Accordingly, we resist change, unwilling to recognize that all living things, including relationships, must change or fall apart. This problem is not necessarily a function of conflict between the men. It may be a gradual process in which they lose emotional contact with each other as the years go by. Gay couples also suffer from external pressures. In many places, bigotry still persists, and if it’s linked to economic discrimination, the couple may break apart under the strain. The parents of one or both of the gay lovers may also undermine the relationship. Some parents may attack the relationship openly; more often they take a subtle approach. They may pick a quarrel with the lover and manipulate their son to take sides. On the other hand, many parents want their sons to be happy and are supportive of their love relationships.

Gay relationships commonly end because of personal conflicts. The primary psychological problem of our time is the fear of intimacy. Ironically, many couples break up because of their love for each other. One partner feels he is unworthy of love, and affection makes him frightened and suspicious (“He doesn’t really love me, just his mistaken impression of me”). Another partner feels he is incapable of expressing love. Intimacy makes him feel guilty and inadequate (“He deserves someone better than me. I’m just a cold fish and I’m ruining his life”). More deeply, intimacy evokes feelings of vulnerability and loss of control. Because they have been disappointed in their childhood relationships with their parents, or because they have been hurt in earlier love affairs, gay men may be alarmed when they sense a growing closeness to another man. This fear seldom expresses itself openly. Often, it shows up in disguised forms, such as in an inclination to pick absurd arguments or to suspect a partner of sexual infidelity, or even in a frantic urge to trick with strangers and thereby disrupt the love relationship.

Sometimes the only way to deal with these fears is by psychotherapy, often as a couple. Jealousy is one of the most powerful and destructive impediments to a gay love relationship. It’s a “red-hot” emotion that invariably consumes the waking (and sometimes the sleeping) life of the jealous partner. The partner’s every word, inflection of his voice, and body posture are interpreted and reinterpreted endlessly for signs of secret messages and “hiding the truth.” That truth is deception, lying, and most of all the conviction that his lover is either tricking or, even worse, romancing another man. Some jealous partners go to extraordinary lengths to “catch” their lovers in deception. Some actually follow their lovers at night to see if they are really going to dinner with friends. Others use the telephone as a weapon; they call his office at 8 or 9 p.m. to see if he’s really working late. Better yet, when the jealous lover’s on a business trip away from home, they call at 10 p.m. “Hi, honey,” they say, but “Just checking to see you’re in bed—alone” is what they mean. Jealous lovers steam letters open and read them. They check their boyfriend’s e-mail for sexual contact. They also snoop for their lover’s computer password; especially astute snoopers may figure out that their lover has more than one password, one for family and one for potential tricks. They use these passwords to find their lover’s profile on a gay sex site. Sometimes it’s true that the boyfriend has a profile and is on-line looking for tricks. But at other times, the jealous lover may mistakenly pick out the profile of someone who stimulates his own sexual fantasies, but accuses his boyfriend instead. Oh! Does the shit hit the fan then!

Still, with all the hazards of forming gay love relationships, we don’t seem to be designed for going solo. The loving care given AIDS patients by their lovers is testimony to the deep sense of commitment that gay men feel toward their lover. It’s just a matter of time until gay couples have full legal and civil rights in America. Hopefully this will become the model for gay rights throughout other parts of the world.