In: Root » Recreation and sport » Dating and relationships
We're told that geese and other water fowl have lifelong monogamous relationships. It’s good to learn that there’s at least one animal that does. We humans have a harder time being faithful to our lovers throughout life. It’s not that long-term monogamy doesn’t exist in gay relationships. It does, but not often. Many unproven theories explain why men (gay or straight) have problems remaining with one sexual partner. Evolutionary psychologists maintain that the cause is genetic, the effects of evolution over tens of thousands of years, starting with the cavemen. Their impregnating as many women as possible in the shortest time was the most efficient way of ensuring the propagation of the species. Most mammals seem to behave the same way. Feminists adamantly reject genetics (and biological theories about anything), suggesting instead that our cavemen behavior is the result of social learning in a patriarchal society and our inability to form intimate relationships. A few of them call us sexual pigs. Most men who are just entering into a love relationship assume or explicitly insist on sexual exclusivity. They only have sex with each other. An open relationship often occurs after years of being together. It takes many forms. Some couples will seek a third man for a threesome so that they’re together when having sex with another man. The Internet has made finding this person much easier nowadays. Other men prefer the relative anonymity of getting together at either a jerk-off club or a sex club. If one partner goes away on business, both might have the freedom to trick, but there are generally rules about whether the one staying at home can bring a trick home (“I don’t want your trick in my bed!”). Many conflicts about tricking occur, including whether to adopt a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. There are minefields everywhere. Some lovers allow each other the freedom to occasionally trick in the belief that horniness is nothing more than “an itch that has to be scratched” and does not imply failure in the relationship. This policy works best if sex between the lovers remains exciting. It’s also less threatening to the relationship if the outside sex is anonymous, such as in steamrooms and bathhouses. “I don’t want to know” is the most common response by that lover who doesn’t trick out often, and generally that’s a good choice. It’s hard for any of us to keep our own feelings about competition and abandonment under control while hearing the details of a lover’s outside sexual encounters. One sometimes finds the lover who stayed home becoming intrusive by wanting to hear the graphic details of his beloved’s sexual adventures; a voyeur to his lover’s sex, becoming sexually excited listening to the account. The lover could feel intruded upon unless it leads to sex between them. More often, however, it leads to resentment in both: The voyeur may be angry because his lover has a different kind of sex with a stranger than at home, and the lover may resent the intrusion on his privacy and may also sense hostility. In fact, most (but not all) couples go through alternating periods of monogamy and tricking. For many years, the AIDS epidemic was a good enough reason for couples to maintain monogamy. The possibility of bringing home one or more STDs is still a good reason to avoid tricking. We have said this before, but it bears repeating: Do not steam open your boyfriend’s snail mail; do not figure out his password to anything; do not decide whether or not a profile on a sex board is his; do not to read his e-mail; do not listen to phone messages on his answering machine. If you suspect that he’s tricking out, ask him. But be prepared to have a real discussion about your feelings as well as his; about your feelings of envy as well as jealousy, about your fears as well as his. In other words, don’t be a parent or schoolmarm; be a loving friend.
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